new me

 The last few weeks im noticing more and more how much more I am discovering that im not as different as everyone else and I don't stand out as much I thought I was. I know im most definatly not your average "joe" but I really like being different. for the longest time I stayed away from talking about myself being unwell and I avoided making friends because I didn't know how to come out and say that im unwell. its hard to explain why I cannot just go to the mall and walk around for hours. I still find making friends hard and awkward, I have to try harder to find things that people my age can relate to but im finding that trying is worth it. I have been going to a youth group for a while now and I can happily say that I finally feel like im doing something right. the kids that go to this youth group are awesome ! they all know about my situation and they have been so supportive and their bright positive moods help me so much when I have had a rough week. I guess my advice today is that stepping out of your comfort zone and trying with an open mind can really be a positive thing you can look back on and be proud of yourself for doing so.
bless you all
 - Hannah

thoughts and worries

i have had a really rough few days, was unconscious for over 45 minutes. 45 minutes sounds like a century but felt like seconds. I cant tell you what happened or what time it was, but all I remember every time is just this weird feeling of a power that over comes me. I know that sounds crazy but our bodies are so amazing and powerful, just how we are all built is something I find that no one can explain.
so as many of you know im waiting for that appointment in Ohio, I don't think I have told anyone but im terrified to find out what is wrong with me. this im sure makes no sense to you but for me its less scary not knowing because then everything that happens to me is unknown, so when everything or at least something's can be explained it could make things harder. I say harder because if I do end up being officially diagnosed with pots syndrome there is no cure and 90% of patients find something that will help them. I have read to much as you can tell. my parents always told me the unknown scary, what would we do if we didn't have parents eh. I know, I sure as heck wouldn't be writing a blog if they didn't push me to post my very first blog.
for anyone reading who is going through something frustrating or are just sad today, I encourage you to find a way to tell your story, I started off by writing to myself. I know my sister draws (crazy amazing I must add), and I think she doesn't even know that is her way of venting and sorting things out.
thanks for reading means a lot :)

after all storms there is a rainbow

i want to start with a long needed apologize, to those who I pushed away and to those I didn't give a chance to stay in my life. we all make mistakes and I know today that I pushed away good people. im sorry to those people, I hope you forgive me.

Today I look at myself and I can say that im a better person everyday and im proud of that. I still have my bad days but I keep pushing towards the better brighter days. I picked a date for a fundraiser im going to have to help raise money for my doctors appointment in ohio. I must say it feels very weird asking people to help me fundraise but it warms my heart when people say that they will help with getting the word out about the fundraiser.
 I think about all the mistakes I have made, so why would people help me, but then i think about all wonderful, kind hearted people i have in my life and im truly blessed to have all of them in my life. so thank you to all of you. and to those reading just knowing that you are reading this puts a smile on my face.

 I noticed that having an illness, it can be very lonely and its hard, its something I haven't figured out how to get rid of. i get mad lately at the littlest things like school, its hard for me to sit and do school for hours i can do about an hour at a time and it makes me so mad. i remembered a saying the other day, "it gets worse before it gets better". i think right now im at a low in life and i know that something good will come out of this. after a storm there is a rainbow right, well im searching for that rainbow.........

being unique and trying to fit in

Being a teenager and the fact that I should be in high school I have many hurdles when it comes to making friends and keeping friends. I wont sugar coat it when I say being in your house everyday almost all day does make being relate-able to other people my age very hard. after losing nearly all my friends and losing the friends I made when I was just diagnosed, left me with a fear that I wouldn't make new friends or fit in. I very recently was talked into going to a youth group outing, to be honest I was very threatened by the fact that I was going to be throw into a situation with 20 kids from the ages 12- 16. yes I was one of the oldest but I still saw this a challenge. I took a deep breathe and walked head first into a situation I haven't been in since I went to school which was at least a year ago. this does sound funny and I'm sure not everybody can relate to this feeling but everyday I stress about being hurt again by one of my friends. I know that the friends I have now will always be by my side and I'm crazy thankful for that because I wouldn't have the strength or courage I have now without them.
I have to tell someone because my head is going explode otherwise.... in January 2014 it will mark a year since we placed a call into Ohio to a POTS specialist, Dr. Blair Grubb. I have been patiently and impatiently waiting for a call saying that have an appointment. as the days pass I honestly find it harder and harder to wait. I'm hoping and praying that I will be on my way down there soon, I noticed today that I no longer have noticeably "good" days and I'm just always struggling to find energy. I know I must try even harder now to stay positive and continue to keep fighting and pushing through each day. I always tell myself that I got nothing to lose so why not go for it !

for who ever is reading, I hope you live everyday with a smile on your face and step out of your comfort zone.

accepting a new life, new me, new perspective

   Over a year ago nearly two years now, I was dancing 9 hours a week and living life. Today my new "normal" as the people who really know me say, consists of everyday struggles to stay positive and learning how to live my "new" life. I live with  P.O.T.S, from waking up to going to sleep I roll a dice on whether or not I will pass out or not. Recently I was shopping in west Edmonton mall everything was all good until all of a sudden I passed out, without even knowing I was being escorted out of the mall on a stretcher. This used to be shocking a while ago now it hardly fazes me. I'm not an everyday 16 year old but my fight, stubbornness and my love of music keeps me going everyday and helps me get out of the bad places I get in.

  If we cant dream of a better day, if we don't dream of dreams that people tell us we cant achieve, then what do want from our lives.

   I look at myself and I see myself as a kid that can do anything I set my mind to do.
 Live everyday with no regrets and hold your head high. Be true to who your are and never say you are alone.
             
                   Thanks For Reading
                      Sincerely Hannah

the wall of POTS

POTS comes with its ups and downs, and like all illness's there is feeling a being alone. Even though everyday hurdles are thrown in my path, I learn more and more that giving up is not an option. Fighting gets hard and hope seems far away but faith is always there to lend a hand.

There are days when I talk to people whom I haven't seen in a while, its always interesting to see there different reactions to finding out that I'm unwell, but it always makes my day when someone tells me that I'm strong and positive considering. I recently realized that what I thought was right ( pushing people away so they don't have to be involved enough in my life to get hurt) wasn't right. I learned that the people around me now are around me because they care and want to see me jump hurdles and beat this illness. I'm definitely blessed to have the people around me that care so much. I admit that I cannot fight this fight alone and I'm not going to hurt anyone by having them around and being involved in my journey with POTS.

The wall of POTS, the wall that seems impossible to climb but everyday is one step closer to the top.
I'm praying that I get a phone call soon to see a specialist in the USA! I would like to ask anyone reading this if they would help me out and pray as well. Thanks to everyone reading, I love knowing that maybe I could help someone relate to me in there situation.
 Thanks for reading
   Sincerely Hannah