thoughts and worries

i have had a really rough few days, was unconscious for over 45 minutes. 45 minutes sounds like a century but felt like seconds. I cant tell you what happened or what time it was, but all I remember every time is just this weird feeling of a power that over comes me. I know that sounds crazy but our bodies are so amazing and powerful, just how we are all built is something I find that no one can explain.
so as many of you know im waiting for that appointment in Ohio, I don't think I have told anyone but im terrified to find out what is wrong with me. this im sure makes no sense to you but for me its less scary not knowing because then everything that happens to me is unknown, so when everything or at least something's can be explained it could make things harder. I say harder because if I do end up being officially diagnosed with pots syndrome there is no cure and 90% of patients find something that will help them. I have read to much as you can tell. my parents always told me the unknown scary, what would we do if we didn't have parents eh. I know, I sure as heck wouldn't be writing a blog if they didn't push me to post my very first blog.
for anyone reading who is going through something frustrating or are just sad today, I encourage you to find a way to tell your story, I started off by writing to myself. I know my sister draws (crazy amazing I must add), and I think she doesn't even know that is her way of venting and sorting things out.
thanks for reading means a lot :)

after all storms there is a rainbow

i want to start with a long needed apologize, to those who I pushed away and to those I didn't give a chance to stay in my life. we all make mistakes and I know today that I pushed away good people. im sorry to those people, I hope you forgive me.

Today I look at myself and I can say that im a better person everyday and im proud of that. I still have my bad days but I keep pushing towards the better brighter days. I picked a date for a fundraiser im going to have to help raise money for my doctors appointment in ohio. I must say it feels very weird asking people to help me fundraise but it warms my heart when people say that they will help with getting the word out about the fundraiser.
 I think about all the mistakes I have made, so why would people help me, but then i think about all wonderful, kind hearted people i have in my life and im truly blessed to have all of them in my life. so thank you to all of you. and to those reading just knowing that you are reading this puts a smile on my face.

 I noticed that having an illness, it can be very lonely and its hard, its something I haven't figured out how to get rid of. i get mad lately at the littlest things like school, its hard for me to sit and do school for hours i can do about an hour at a time and it makes me so mad. i remembered a saying the other day, "it gets worse before it gets better". i think right now im at a low in life and i know that something good will come out of this. after a storm there is a rainbow right, well im searching for that rainbow.........